


it's always harder when you're not here

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotionally Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-22
Updated: 2015-11-22
Packaged: 2018-05-02 21:46:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5264837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for a prompt I saw on tumblr (http://destineddean.tumblr.com/post/133605166560/post-breakup-aus).</p><p>“today was the first family gathering i’ve been to since we broke up and my little cousin that absolutely adored you asked where you were and i had to lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the tub for a half an hour and look through a folder on my phone of pictures i took of you to feel okay again" </p><p>In which Castiel cries and Naomi is a good mom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's always harder when you're not here

**Author's Note:**

> HUMONGOUS thanks to ad-astra-castiel for proofreading this for me and fixing my mistakes. It means so much to me!!

Castiel wouldn’t have guessed that it would be this hard.

Usually, Christmas with his family was a time to be happy. And last year, Dean had been there.

They had all sat around the living room, Christmas lights on, and everyone had been drinking eggnog and apple cider. Easy conversation flowed through the room, a warm atmosphere settling in the cozy space. Castiel had been happy, holding Dean’s hand and smiling at his lap, thinking about how lucky he was.

Dean had gotten Samandriel to laugh with his silly faces and teasing, an easy task given his boyfriend’s cheeky personality. Anna would blush and hide behind her hair when he smiled at her; any thirteen year old would be embarrassed to have a cute guy looking at her, especially someone like Dean. But by the end of the night, he had gotten her to open up and she was laughing right along with Samandriel.

Castiel’s parents had loved Dean. His mother, Naomi, had given him knowing looks all night. A mother knows when her son is in love. After that night, she had gotten occasional updates from Castiel about his life. He had told her about Dean and their new apartment, how he wanted to get a cat, but they made Dean sneeze, how the landlord wasn’t good at fixing things and how the heater had given up one cold night and Dean had the great idea to make a blanket fort on the bed to trap body heat. Every story he had told his mother always something to do with Dean.

Until the calls died down.

Castiel had stopped calling or answering his phone about a month and a half ago and Naomi had grown progressively worried as two more weeks went by. Finally, on a Saturday, he had called. When she answered, he had broken down and cried, telling her that Dean had left him and he didn’t know what to do.

Now, it was Christmas again and Dean wasn’t there. Most of Castiel’s immediate family knew that they had broken up. But little Jesse, Castiel’s nephew, didn’t know any better.

“Cas!” Jesse yelped, as soon as he and his parents walked in the door. He immediately ran to Castiel, not caring that he was tracking snow all over the floors. He wrapped his arms around Castiel’s waist, his chubby fingers squeezing hard. Castiel stood there awkwardly patting Jesse’s head.

“Jesse, it’s good to see you.” Castiel loved his nephew. Jesse could be a little overwhelming at times, but the way his eyes lit up when he was rambling on about something was a sight to see.

“Are you looking forward to opening presents?” Castiel asked.

His little face peered up at Castiel. “I already got to open a present! Mom said that I was being soooo good that Santa said I could! It’s this awesome hot wheel! It’s a…”

He trailed off. Letting go of Cas, he stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small blue car, along with a candy wrapper and a piece of lint. Castiel flipped it over and peered at the bottom.

Jesse grinned, smiling up at Castiel.  
“It’s a ‘65 Mustang! I wanted to show it to Dean. He was telling me about his cool car last time I saw him and I thought that he would maybe like this one even though it’s not black and it’s not an Impala because he told me that he works on cars all the time and that he loves a lot of different cars even though his car is his baby.” 

Jesse took a breath. 

“So anyway I just really want to show him. Where is he? In the kitchen? He got a bellyache on Thanksgiving last year, remember? And then he ate more pie! He gave me a little piece and told me not to tell my mom.”

Castiel’s heart sank into his stomach. “Jesse… Dean isn’t here.”

“What? Why not?” Jesse looked confused.

Castiel didn’t want to tell him. He didn’t want to talk about Dean.

“He’s not here, because.” Castiel couldn’t say it. His throat felt tight.

Jesse squinted at Cas. “Because of why? Is he with his family instead?

Castiel took a deep breath. “Dean and I aren’t together anymore, Jesse.” There. He had said it. 

Jesse’s face fell. “He isn’t your boyfriend anymore?”

“No, Jesse.” Castiel squeezed his eyes shut. “He isn’t.”

Castiel stepped away from Jesse. He had to get away from everything, for at least a little while. He could feel all the bottled down emotion rising up from his chest, threatening to overflow and unleash its rage on the unsuspecting occupants of the room.

Turning away from the crowded living room, Castiel walked as calmly as he could down the hall to the bathroom. 

Closing the door behind him, he turned to face the mirror. He looked like a mess. His cheeks were red, and not a cute, rosy flush. It was a stark, feverish color high up on his cheekbones, a stark contrast to his pale skin. Castiel blew out a shaky breath, his eyes welling up with tears. 

_God. It hasn’t been long enough yet. I just want to get over him. But I can’t. It hurts. It hurts so much. As though he let me go all over again._

Turning his back to the mirror, Castiel sank to the floor, sliding down the sink cupboard and pulling his knees to his chest. His head fell back to lean against a drawer. Tears were dripping down the sides of his face He reached for his phone and clicked the power button, the screen lighting up with a photo he loved. He knew he should change the picture on his lock screen, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not yet. 

The picture was taken from the second time Dean had taken him roller-skating. Castiel had been much more confident in his abilities then the first time, managing not to fall at all. Castiel had taken the picture when they were taking off their skates, sitting on a bench, and leaning against each other, giggling. Dean had pressed himself to Castiel, kissing Castiel on the cheek as he snapped the picture.

The screen dimmed and he pushed the button again, staring at the picture. The next time it faded from sight, he pushed the button and swiped to unlock the screen. Castiel typed in his passcode; 3326. He gazed at the screen for a moment before tapping on the photo gallery. Scrolling down a bit, Castiel selected his “Dean” album. 377 pictures. That’s what he had left of the two year relationship. 

Scrolling through all the pictures, he remembered flashes from each perfectly captured moment.

_Castiel hiking with Dean and Sam, all three of them sweaty and grinning, triumphantly standing on a cliff, facing away from the edge with arms around all of each other. Dean had asked another hiker to snap the picture, charming the distracted woman into a giggling mess._

_The first time they went bowling. Castiel had made a point of telling Dean how terrible he was at it, but Dean insisted that they go, saying it would be fun. Castiel bowled two strikes and then promptly scored a total of 63. Castiel was pouting in the photo, and Dean was laughing at him, his head thrown back and his laughter obvious in every line of his body._

_The two of them cuddling in the apartment, both shirtless. Castiel wasn’t smiling, but the look of contentment on his face was very clear. Dead wasn’t looking at the camera, instead, he was gazing at Castiel, a soft smile on his face._

_At the movies. Cas had given his phone to Dean and was attempting to teach him how to take a selfie. Talking about angles and lighting. Dean had leaned over to Cas and smacked a big kiss right on him and snapped the picture at the same time. Pulling away and looking at the screen, he said, “Looks like I know something about taking pictures, because this one’s a keeper.” In reality, the picture was fuzzy and a little blurred by Castiel’s face, but it was one of his favorites._

Those and so many more. It was odd how much better they made Castiel feel. The tear tracks down his face had dried and though he was still sniffling, he wasn’t actively crying. 

Castiel reached across the toilet and grabbed a wad of toilet paper from the roll, blowing his nose. His head felt a little fuzzy and his skin felt tight across his face. 

A small knock on the door. His mother’s voice. 

“Castiel? Can I come in?”

He blew out a breath and replied, “Sure, mom.”

The door opened slowly and Naomi looked down at him sitting on the floor and shook her head, smiling softly down at him. She stepped over him, reaching into the closet for a washcloth. Coming to stand above him, she held out her hand to him.

“Come on, up with you.” She said lightly. 

Castiel reached up with his free hand, and pulled himself to his feet. 

He stood silently while Naomi turned on the cold water and ran the cloth under the stream. Wringing it out, she turned to face Castiel and wiped his face gently with the cold cloth, washing away the dried tears. 

She drew in a breath and said, “Boys are stupid.”

Castiel huffed out a small laugh and dropped his head to her shoulder, pulling her into tight hug. She wrapped her arms around him, he could feel the wet cloth pressing into his back. She smoothed her free hand down his back.

Castiel might have a broken heart right now, but it would heal. He would move on, if it took another month or five. And he had his family here, to help him.

**Author's Note:**

> There it is, my first fic! Leave a kudos if you're so inclined.


End file.
